We Don't Have To Explain Shit
I am not the Fuckface Whisperer. I am not the Fuckface Whisperer. I. Am. Not. The Fuckface Whisperer.
Here I am back in Cote d’Ivoire. When I first left, thinking I would clearly revisit. As I ventured and grew, realizing my goodbyes were really that. And then the only affordable tickets in Africa were back to Mali via Abidjan and I took this as a sign that the Universe had something to show me about my growth. It has been hard, I have wanted to go back to old patterns, to take the easier route. But ultimately I accomplished here exactly what my intuition told me I was returning for.
There is an old flame here. One that I broke it off with, in my first conscious, direct and loving encounter doing it this way. I just no longer desired to have the same conversations about when I was coming back. And his lack of excitement around the new shit I was getting up to was palpable. And that is decidedly unsexy. But we kept in contact, for him, until I was able to see some other frustrated facets of his character come out, as they inevitably do with time and challenging situations. I was at the end of 13 days without power in Guinea, my phone service was suspended for 5 more and to start it off I had been attacked by a scorned family member who broke into the home and my room. I had no space or desire to be accountable to a man or to play it sweet simply because that is how he remembered me. So when he said he wasn’t angry about the lack of communication, but there was clear anger in his voice, I decided that we could no longer maintain healthy phone conversations. I did not owe this to him. I felt in my power and in my love. Free from attachment to maintaining an illusion so that others could continue to love me as the fantasy version of me we had created together.
After booking my ticket I found out that my female powerhouse friend who i desired to reconnect with would not arrive until the day after I left. And that this old flame was now living in the house, in the room I once stayed in. I knew the Universe was taking away my safety net, calling on me to be that female powerhouse goddess for myself. I also knew that the Universe was giving me a direct confrontation with this unstable male, to test what I had told myself I broke through with the attack in Guinea. Sometimes fear presents itself as intuition, seeking to protect us from revisiting trauma. So I wavered in what I knew I needed to feel safe, to have him leave the house for my stay (he has his own home.) I also told myself I did not want to take the “easy” road, continuing the lie that growth means direct confrontation when growth often means making choices that benefit the self and keep us distinctly away from those who would do us harm in a number of ways. I worried that setting clear boundaries with him would set him off, thus making things unsafe for me. Without me knowing my friend asked him to leave for the week, this did set him off and our first phone conversation was about him, a man scorned who desired to still have the same agency over me that he once did.
Because on my first visit I gave it to him, thinking that having respect for new customs meant mimicking them. I allowed him and others to pretend that my henna meant that I was newly married to him. That my hand in his meant I was off-limits to others and new experiences. So I was sent back to break the ties of ownership. To claim my big sexual energy for myself, because I have to.
Yesterday he announced that he would be spending the night in the home I am staying. Then demanded to know why when I said that would not be good for me. He pulled the abusive tactic of questioning my trust in him, when what we both knew is that he did not trust himself to honor me as an individual. I did not want to believe it but my intuition said that this man was capable of justifying rape so I laid down this separation boundary again and again. The Universe giving me seemingly endless practice in valuing self and using clear communication to claim that. It is the most gratifying thing to answer a man’s demand of “Why?” when trying to overcome your sovereignty with “Because.” And I told him he did not have to understand but that he was capable of respecting my desires. And I believe this was so good for both of us to hear.
Beyond safety, I was also reserving the evening to get my swerve on with a very handsome, gentle, intelligent young man who has requested my company for the week and just made his romantic feelings known. And I’m tired of being pussy blocked by social constraints that say male feelings of jealousy and possessiveness are more important than female pleasure. But this new potential lover came with the same demands of why I did not desire to be penetrated, the same ridiculously desperate and unconvincing claims that sex would not hurt this time with HIM (negating nearly two decades of personal experience and work.) The same resistance to taking initiative to get tested. The same resistance to going down. The same lack of understanding of foreplay being an all-day affair. I caught myself explaining and then I heard the Universe whisper “Not this one either my love.”
I argued with her. He says he loves me. He is down for coming to Mali to farm with me. Wouldn’t this be a sexier version of the voyage I pondered? Guaranteed affection in the exploration. A man who I am proud to be seen embracing. I can do my own thing but who says that this alone stuff has to be challenging I countered. But then I had a nightmare about ant pathways sinking into my body and as I screamed out for someone to save me from an ant that was burrowing it’s way in, I caught myself mid scream and simply plucked it out myself. The message was clear. Stop creating and reacting on autopilot. It’s time for new shit and time to consciously choose it.
And that means switching my thinking around this handsome man as a Universal offering to sleep with as a way to pay homage to her bounty. That’s an old unworthiness tactic, believing there is an obligation to give myself to someone who meets all the criteria on paper. He is an offering but one for me to witness my growth, my conscious choice. That I must choose again and again if I seek to become. That these relationships will not do the growth for me, but my relating to the relationships will. That I owe him nothing and myself, my purpose, everything.