After Dance Comes Tantra

I made a promise to my mother that I know I cannot keep. Not if I want to keep growing, not if I want to step into the purpose the Universe is opening to me. Not if I want to heal. I can no longer protect her more than my own sovereignty, and often these two things are at odds. I MUST choose me (writing that just made me burst into tears at the cyber cafe, letting me know how true and necessary this is.)

Around the age of 8 I was in to playing doctor, visiting my neighbor's house just to get the barbies to have sex with each other, putting my bathing suit on to play stripper and rub my good stuff on the poles in the basement. I got "caught" by my mother more than once. Because I wasn't really trying to hide, at least not at first. The silent disappointed looks let me know that she did not approve. I didn't know why but I developed shame and secrecy around these desires that continued. It was at this age that I developed chronic pain in my pussy (I will use pussy because it is not just my vagina or vulva, it is everything remotely close to this pleasure zone.)

Last year I talked to my mother about this. I felt sick to my stomach but did it anyway. And it was beautiful. She has her own history of being raised this way and was at a total loss to address the sexuality of her children. She thanked me for bringing it up, says it has haunted her but has come to realize that it is never too late to revisit her parenting missteps. She invited me to continue to be open with her about my healing around this and to let her know how she could support along the way.

I didn't know sex wasn't naturally painful for everyone until a year in and my close friend began having sex and was multi-orgasmic. I visited dozens of gynecologists as a teen. Was mishandled and misunderstood by most. Made to feel like a hysterical nuisance because their lack of knowledge around the topic made them feel insecure. With each traumatic experience, my pussy guarding became more and more entrenched. My distrust heightened. Not just of others not taking care with me, but of myself too. Because I was the one putting my body in the hands of these careless folks. Doctors and lovers alike. Eventually this developed into me only being able to orgasm at my own hands. Letting others touch me for a bit, giving guidance, saying what I desired, demonstrating, and when they inevitably wouldn't get it, giving up on them but also giving up on me. Giving up on having a pleasurable time, just trying to get through it, ultimately for their benefit, not mine.

I told myself that sex would just be like this. Only recently, with the work I have done around healing this wound, have I begun to believe that sex and pleasure can go together. Now it's that next level shit, where I can't be messing with interactions that do not bring me pleasure. I can no longer feed these negative pain loops (I am pep-talking myself here because progressively I get better and better at this but I had three lovers during my time in Africa and with all of them I did things I did not want to do.)

The only interactions I have had lately (this year) that were not physically and emotionally painful were slow deep dives. They were conscious touch labs, slow gentle massage, eye-gazing, honest sharing. And sometimes more than that. But always safe and me-directed where the other person was on the same wavelength because we talked our way through it. And that wasn't seen as a turnoff or me being bossy or hard to please. It was invited and welcome and desired. We were both into it that we were only doing things the other person was enthusiastically yes about. What a compliment for someone to trust you enough to request something even more pleasurable. For a person to feel safe enough to give you an honest no. And then that opportunity to witness and honor that, powerful.

I believe my body will let go of the trauma and will be able to have actual full-out pleasurable intimacy with no pain. I have surgical wounds and MS related nerve pain that perhaps goes beyond the emotional roots. Or maybe not. Either way, I believe I can heal that too. And that is why I go to Bali. And I will do a month-long intensive Tantric training to go deep with myself and become a facilitator to do this work with others. And then I will do that work because I know it is a calling. I know this is High Priestess work of previous lifetimes. I know how deeply I am connected to the sensual world and to others. I know the level of intensity of pain that kicked in at such an early age was to shut me off from the power of my own sexuality. I know how healing this opening has been for me this year and I believe this is possible for everyone.

You do not have to have trauma or overt pain to have a limited expression of sexuality. And I believe that when sexuality is limited, we cannot have a full expression of self and thus of life. Sexuality is creativity. Creation is the only way we keep going in this world. And rushed, forced, unattached, inattentive, selfish sex reinforces this way of being in the rest of our lives. Practicing tantric has spilled over into everything for me. I believe the reverse is also true. I do not believe that it is an overstatement that learning how to relate in a tantric way to one another will change our world. And I fully embrace my role in spreading this technology to whatever reaches of the Universe I can.